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Today's Family Magazine

Calling for a little peace and quiet

Mar 21, 2017 02:39PM ● By Today's Family
By Christa Melnyk Hines

Ever felt the need for a peaceful retreat if for no other reason than to collect your thoughts?  Your kids might need to do the same.  Some experts fear that in a world muddied with thousands of distractions, structured activities and constant entertainment options, our children do not spend enough time alone simply relaxing or engaging in quiet, unplugged play.

"The demise of children learning to amuse themselves has negative consequences...when they become adults," says Ann Dunnewold, a psychologist.  "As a society, we're lacking in this kind of time."

Children who are constantly entertained prove less likely to show initiative and more likely to have problems motivating themselves upon entering the work world.  On the other hand, kids given regular time alone are more likely to exhibit time management and problem-solving abilities.  Time alone also fosters creativity, self-confidence and independence.  Plus, solitude gives kids the opportunity to drive their own play without having to compromise or go along with what the group demands.

Follow your child's cues.  No doubt, extracurricular activities enhance a child's physical and social development.  However, when those activities dominate a child's day, she doesn't get ample opportunity to unwind.  A child's reaction to overstimulation varies depending on her personality, but typical signs that your child might need some down time include crankiness, irritability and not getting along with others.

Teresa Bondora, an educator and mother of two children, believes in respecting our children's changing needs for social and solitary time.  She says you may be surprised at how much time alone they choose on their own.

"In my opinion, time alone or time spent recreationally is just as personal and timely as hunger.  And dictating their time is disrespectful and teaches children to ignore their own body speaking to them.  If we ask and respect this need, then we teach them to respect it for themselves and listen to it," Bondora says.

Schedule daily quiet time.  Carve out quiet time in the day if your child isn't used to initiating it on her own.  Daily quiet time allows kids to relax, listen to music, read or simply daydream.  However, your child's needs may vary.  While all children need down time, not every child must be alone to recharge.

"Some children who really like to be with others might like it best if they are lying on the couch reading a book while mom reads her book right next to them.  Other children might really want to be off alone," Dunnewold says.

Babies as young as two months old can play on their own for a little while.

"Have your baby play in five to ten minute increments on a blanket on the floor.  Babies of this age can amuse themselves by looking at pictures in board books or at mirrors or lights," Dunnewold says.

Alternate between playing with your baby for five minutes and giving her five minutes to play on her own.  Slowly increase the amount of time.

With an older child, set a timer and encourage him to play alone for 10 minutes.  When the time is up, play for 10 minutes with your child and then set the timer again for 10 minutes of solitary play.  If your preschooler no longer naps, set aside an hour a day for your child to play quietly, look at books and relax.

Encourage self-directed play.  Even if your child complains about how bored she is, avoid jumping in as the designated entertainer.  Self-directed play leads to more imaginative play.

If your child isn't used to playing alone, suggest activities that she can do on her own.  List activities on a chart or have her pick an idea out of a jar.  Afterward, reward her with a sticker or extra time with you and use positive reinforcement:  "Didn't you have fun?!  What a big girl!"

Create an "imagination bucket" for your child's quiet time and change out the contents from time to time to keep it interesting.  Depending on the age of your child, include popsicle sticks, crayons, glue, beads, pipe cleaners or stickers.  Let her go to town creating, coloring or designing.  Building blocks are another excellent choice that encourage children to practice fine motor skills while using their imaginations.

Model time alone.  Constantly playing the role of entertainer or running from one activity to the next is exhausting and stressful.  Set an example for your children about how to best manage stress by modeling quiet time on your own, whether it's through reading, journaling or simply resting. 

Ester Buchholz, a psychologist, says time alone is needed more than ever in our lives.  "Being alone gives us the power to regulate and adjust our lives.  It can teach us fortitude and the ability to satisfy our own needs.  It brings forth our longing to explore, our curiosity about the unknown, our will to be an individual.... Alone time is fuel for life."

Bondora says time alone helps her children tune in more to their feelings and better understand why they feel a certain way.  They can also better vocalize their needs.

From enhanced introspection and creativity to valuable life skills, a restful respite in the middle of a busy day will support your child's physical, mental and emotional health today and into the future.  And, as a hardworking parent, you'll reap the benefits, too!