As someone who tries to see the best in people, I’ve had trouble over the years recognizing the red flags in some of my “friendships.”  I tend to take people at face value.  I assume people will do what they say, and I tend to trust people until they give me a reason not to.  This generally serves me well.  Sometimes, though, the way someone presents themself is in direct opposition to their actions. I’m a slow processor, so often, it isn’t until reflecting later that I come to terms with this contradiction. 

Don’t misunderstand me—giving people grace when they aren’t their best selves is something good friends do for each other.  If it’s reciprocal, it’s positive and necessary.   But it really is true that actions speak louder than words.  I’ve learned that when someone keeps showing me who they really are, I need to pay attention.  It’s a hard lesson to learn at any age, and especially difficult to watch as your kids struggle through it.

After school one day, my younger daughter seemed more subdued than usual.  She shared that little by little, girls she considered friends were no longer acting that way.  As is often the case in middle school, friendships were shifting.  Little by little, my daughter was on the outside of this circle of friends.  Understandably, her feelings were hurt, but when she said as much, they told her nothing had changed.  But each day and new drama made her feel more ill at ease around them.  Eventually, she learned to trust her gut and walk away.  Soon after, she settled into a new, kinder group of girls, and school became fun again.  And she wondered why it took her so long to cut ties with the mean girls.

I recently read about a study that, in hindsight, could have helped.  The study done at the University of Virginia asked students to estimate the steepness of a hill.  Those students who were paired with someone they identified as a good friend saw the incline as less steep than those estimating the challenge alone.  In fact, even those students who were thinking of a good friend while estimating saw the incline as less strenuous.  The opposite was true in both cases in the company of a not-so-good friend.  The study found that the support of good friends make challenges seem less daunting, while false friends made things seem more difficult.

So if you’re questioning whether a friendship is adding to or subtracting from your life, no matter what age you are, maybe this simple question can help.  Is this someone you’d like to climb a hill with?  If the answer is no, it may be time to move on.