By Rebecca Fellenbaum 

“I was snapping at the people I loved the most, not because of what they said, but because of what I believed about myself.”

Self-doubt used to run the show.

I had an inner dialogue that questioned everything I did, especially my parenting.  Was I doing bedtime right?  Did I allow too much screen time or feed the right foods, and on and on?  Little did I know that the questioning stemmed from a lack of confidence and belief that I wasn’t good enough. 

The worst part was that the self-doubt didn’t just stay in my head.  Because I was second-guessing myself and putting myself down, even innocent questions from my husband or extended family, like someone asking me, “Where does this go?” felt like an attack.  I’d feel shame and anger, not because they were questioning me directly but because I was already carrying so much self-doubt.  This caused me to snap or stew in anger.

The pressure and relentless inner dialogue were exhausting.

• Feeling like you’re failing
• Overthinking simple decisions
• Ruminating over past conversations or choices
• Comparing yourself to others
• Obsessing over routine tasks 
• Getting defensive or irritable

For some, self-doubt is specific to parenting.  For others, it’s a background hum in daily life.  Wherever and however it shows up, here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to stay this way.

Why self-doubt happens
Self-doubt is emotional, not logical.  It arises when we feel something uncomfortable like shame, fear, or sadness but don’t give ourselves space to feel and process these emotions.  Instead of helping us process our feelings, our ego steps in and starts trying to protect us from them.

The egoic part of our mind lives in the past and future.  It’s constantly scanning for danger and working off of our limiting beliefs.  It tells us stories like “You’re not good enough” or “You’re going to fail.”  It means well, but in trying to protect us from our feelings, it prevents us from being whole. 

This all happens unconsciously, and yet it manifests as tension and unwanted thoughts, even when we’re just trying to pack our kid’s lunch!

The turning point: Slowing down
Slowing down helped me realize my thoughts and behaviors stemmed from self-doubt.
That sounds simple, but it was eye-opening.  I stopped rushing through the motions and pushing past the inner dialogue and started paying attention to my thoughts, my body, and my emotions.  With the help of a coach, I did parts work—connecting with younger parts of myself who were scared and needed reassurance.  I learned how to feel my feelings instead of avoiding them.  I learned how to regulate my nervous system, detach from my thoughts, and gently rewrite the story I told myself.

Little by little, my inner world softened.  I became more confident—not because I had answers but because I trusted myself to find them.  I stopped handing my confidence over to other people.  I became more resourceful.  I could accept feedback without spiraling.  This work changed everything.

A gentle road out of self-doubt
Here are some tools and practices that helped me move out of self-doubt and into self-trust, confidence, and self-compassion:
1. Slow down and breathe
Focusing our breath brings us into the present moment and calms our nervous system.  You can’t be spiraling into self-doubt while you are paying attention to your inhale and exhale.  Try inhaling to a count of four and exhaling to a count of six. Focus on releasing tension as you do this. 
2. Feel your feelings
Feel what’s underneath the doubt.  Emotions often come with physical sensations, so scan your body and notice where the feeling emanates from.  Journaling is a great way to process the noisy thoughts and notice what emotions are present.
3. Fact-check yourself
When you have a doubting thought, ask yourself: Is this 100% true?  Most of the time, our doubts are just stories on repeat.
4. Practice self-compassion
Talk to yourself like you’d talk to your child or your best friend.  Tell yourself, “It’s okay to not have all the answers,” “I’m doing my best,” and  “I deserve kindness.” 
5. Calm your nervous system
Simple practices like mindful breathing, meditation, walking outside, or tuning into your five senses can shift your state and bring you into the present moment, which can get you out of doubt. 
6. Pay attention to your triggers
What fuels your self-doubt?  If you struggle to help with your child’s homework because you spin into thinking far into the future, do something mindful before you sit down.  I used to hate driving with my husband in the passenger seat because I felt like he was critical of my every move.  Every breath he took felt like criticism.  I had to coach myself to feel my feelings and say nice things to myself in those moments.  Now I don’t mind at all!
7. Catch and replace the doubt
What if the time you spent doubting yourself was spent loving yourself instead?  Redirect your focus to self-love and self-acceptance.  When you notice a doubting thought, choose a kinder one. 

Rewriting the script
Self-doubt can become a habit and our default neural pathway.  The way out is repetition in the other direction.  You can begin by recalling a moment when you felt proud of yourself.  What were you thinking?  How did you feel?  Let that memory anchor a new belief about who you are and what you’re capable of.

You don’t have to believe every doubtful thought.  And you don’t have to let those thoughts shape how you show up in parenthood, in marriage, at work, or in your relationship with yourself.

If you’re struggling with self-doubt, especially around parenting, you’re not broken.  You’re human. 

You don’t have to keep living with a constant inner critic.  With presence, practice, and compassion, you can turn down the volume on self-doubt and turn up the voice that reminds you: You’re doing just fine.

You are allowed to be learning and growing.  You’re allowed to feel unsure.  You’re allowed to ask for help.

Self-doubt might still show up for me, but it no longer gets to drive the car.  And that changes everything.

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified somatic life coach, writer, Reiki practitioner, and Cleveland-area mom. She helps women and parents who have “made it” on the outside to feel great on the inside so they can enjoy their lives, children, and families.  Find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.