Why people-pleasing isn’t kind
By Rebecca Fellenbaum
For years, I was proud of being one step ahead of everyone’s needs. I couldn’t stand it if people were mad at me. If a friend gave me the cold shoulder, I would turn into a puppy dog following them around, trying to make it right by asking what I did and how I could fix it.
It was exhausting, unsustainable, and controlling.
My people-pleaser was running the show. This part of me internalized the false belief that if I kept others happy, I’d stay safe.
If you relate, you’re not broken and you’re not alone. When we bring our conscious, grounded self online, we can move out of people-pleasing and into real connection.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is a type of fawning, a nervous system response. It says: “If I keep everyone else happy, calm, and satisfied, I’ll be okay.” As people- pleasers, we sacrifice our own needs, preferences, and boundaries. We don’t know where we end and others begin. And over time, we stop recognizing ourselves. It’s also not honest or nice to be on the receiving end of this treatment.
Beginning to shift
If you’re ready to let go of people-pleasing, here are five powerful steps to move towards healthy connection:
1. Spot it
Awareness is key. Start noticing when you go into people-pleasing mode. Do you feel pressure to say yes? Do you feel tension in your chest or a sinking feeling in your gut when slipping into this role? Our bodies are a great barometer revealing when this part takes over.
Ask yourself: Does this make me feel expanded and open or tight and closed?
2. Get curious
The people-pleaser part of you likely came online when you were young and learned that being helpful, good, or agreeable helped you fit in. That part is not bad, but you’re an adult now. Your wise, grounded self can start to take the lead.
Ask yourself: What does this part want me to know?
3. Rebuild your identity
When you spend years prioritizing everyone else, you lose track of what you want or need.
4. Practice boundaries
Boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. They teach others what we’re okay with. They are ways of saying, “This is what I can offer right now” or “This is what I need.”
5. Anchor new truths
If our people-pleaser thought that we needed to abandon ourselves to stay safe, our new truth could be, “I am enough.” If we devote all our time and attention to others and leave ourselves with the scraps, our new truth is, “I matter.”
Look in the mirror and speak your new truth out loud. Stomp your feet to ground it in. We need to shift our beliefs to loosen the grip these parts hold.
What people pleasing is not
The opposite of people-pleasing isn’t selfishness. It’s not about pushing people away or doing whatever you want without regard for others.
The opposite of people pleasing is genuine kindness and standing in our truth to connect with others from our hearts.
When you’re not trying to manage everyone else’s emotions, your generosity becomes authentic. You are able to be yourself, and that builds the kind of connections we’re all deeply craving.
You are worthy as you are
Sometimes, people-pleasing feels easier because it allows you to avoid going inward. Spending all of your time focused externally helps you not face your sadness, anger, or fear. If that’s the case, you deserve support.
You’re allowed to have needs and express them. You’re allowed to change your mind, rest, speak up, and have opinions and preferences.
You don’t need to earn your place in the world, or in your family, by keeping everyone else happy. Now that that’s off your plate, relax and know that you are already enough.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, writer, and Cleveland area mom who helps parents enjoy this time in their lives. You can find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.
~Image credit: Shutterstock / FAArt PhotoDesign
For years, I was proud of being one step ahead of everyone’s needs. I couldn’t stand it if people were mad at me. If a friend gave me the cold shoulder, I would turn into a puppy dog following them around, trying to make it right by asking what I did and how I could fix it.
It was exhausting, unsustainable, and controlling.
My people-pleaser was running the show. This part of me internalized the false belief that if I kept others happy, I’d stay safe.
If you relate, you’re not broken and you’re not alone. When we bring our conscious, grounded self online, we can move out of people-pleasing and into real connection.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is a type of fawning, a nervous system response. It says: “If I keep everyone else happy, calm, and satisfied, I’ll be okay.” As people- pleasers, we sacrifice our own needs, preferences, and boundaries. We don’t know where we end and others begin. And over time, we stop recognizing ourselves. It’s also not honest or nice to be on the receiving end of this treatment.
Signs you might be a people-pleaser
- You feel responsible for others’ emotions
- You feel anxious if someone is upset with you
- You feel guilty doing things for yourself
- You often feel resentful or overextended.
Beginning to shift
If you’re ready to let go of people-pleasing, here are five powerful steps to move towards healthy connection:
1. Spot it
Awareness is key. Start noticing when you go into people-pleasing mode. Do you feel pressure to say yes? Do you feel tension in your chest or a sinking feeling in your gut when slipping into this role? Our bodies are a great barometer revealing when this part takes over.
Ask yourself: Does this make me feel expanded and open or tight and closed?
2. Get curious
The people-pleaser part of you likely came online when you were young and learned that being helpful, good, or agreeable helped you fit in. That part is not bad, but you’re an adult now. Your wise, grounded self can start to take the lead.
Ask yourself: What does this part want me to know?
3. Rebuild your identity
When you spend years prioritizing everyone else, you lose track of what you want or need.
Start by asking yourself:
- What do I like to do just for me?
- What are my values and interests?
- What makes me feel most like myself?
4. Practice boundaries
Boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. They teach others what we’re okay with. They are ways of saying, “This is what I can offer right now” or “This is what I need.”
Boundaries might sound like:
- “I can’t make that commitment right now.”
- “No, thanks.”
- Or they may not be spoken. You can leave the party early, take a break from a group chat, or turn off your phone for the evening.
5. Anchor new truths
If our people-pleaser thought that we needed to abandon ourselves to stay safe, our new truth could be, “I am enough.” If we devote all our time and attention to others and leave ourselves with the scraps, our new truth is, “I matter.”
Look in the mirror and speak your new truth out loud. Stomp your feet to ground it in. We need to shift our beliefs to loosen the grip these parts hold.
What people pleasing is not
The opposite of people-pleasing isn’t selfishness. It’s not about pushing people away or doing whatever you want without regard for others.
The opposite of people pleasing is genuine kindness and standing in our truth to connect with others from our hearts.
When you’re not trying to manage everyone else’s emotions, your generosity becomes authentic. You are able to be yourself, and that builds the kind of connections we’re all deeply craving.
You are worthy as you are
Sometimes, people-pleasing feels easier because it allows you to avoid going inward. Spending all of your time focused externally helps you not face your sadness, anger, or fear. If that’s the case, you deserve support.
You’re allowed to have needs and express them. You’re allowed to change your mind, rest, speak up, and have opinions and preferences.
You don’t need to earn your place in the world, or in your family, by keeping everyone else happy. Now that that’s off your plate, relax and know that you are already enough.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, writer, and Cleveland area mom who helps parents enjoy this time in their lives. You can find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.
~Image credit: Shutterstock / FAArt PhotoDesign