Dear Stacy: Thank you for sharing. You sound like an observant and sensitive mom. Let’s dig in.

When did you first notice her anxiety and self-criticism? Has she always been like this, or can you attribute this behavior to a specific event or time in her life? You could gently explore this with her. Start by saying, “I notice you get really upset when things don’t go the way you want. Can you tell me what is going on inside you when that happens?” You can even ask her how old she feels when she feels this way or when she first remembers it happening.

In The Adult Chair® model I teach and practice, we define anxiety as the physical manifestation of unfelt emotions. Feeling our emotions helps us get to the other side of anxiety. We can start by naming them and creating a safe space to feel them. Emotions that we allow to metabolize without attaching a story to them can be processed in 90 seconds. 

Modeling real-life situations is also important. Let her see you handle mistakes with compassion. That can look like saying, “Oops, I took the wrong turn. I can fix that,” or “I forgot to get milk, no big deal.” This can help her see that mistakes don’t mean she is bad, but that they’re simply part of life.

You mentioned feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. Can you get curious about what you’re feeling? It’s not your job to toughen her up or make her feel better. Unfortunately, we cannot make anyone feel anything (even our kids). Instead, you can show her and yourself love and acceptance, and walk beside her no matter how she feels.

Good luck, mama. I’m cheering both of you on. 

Dear Janelle: I’ve been there, and I’m not just going to tell you to savor the moments and that it gets easier. You deserve tools and help right now. 

Let’s start with mindset. What are your default thoughts? If we keep thinking the same thoughts, nothing will change. Try this simple shift: when you hear those early-morning footsteps, place a hand on your heart and name two things you’re grateful for, even if it’s coffee and warm slippers. This interrupts your default thought loop.

Our thoughts stem from our beliefs. What beliefs do you have about yourself as a mom? Are you listening to your inner wisdom, or are you trying to keep up with everyone else? Releasing unrealistic expectations is an act of self-love.

Next, set up small systems that support you, like a gift to yourself. You could try prepping food the night before, swapping childcare with a friend, or keeping a basket of books and toys near your bed so mornings go smoother. When my kids were little, my neighbor and I had early morning pancake breakfasts. The kids played, and we could have coffee or take turns getting ready. Those little things add up.

Parenting young kids often swings between total love and absolute fear, and the full range of emotions in between. You don’t have to choose one or the other. Allow yourself to feel them all. When you accept the full spectrum of your experience, you stop fighting reality, and you can start to find ease. 

You’re not failing. You’re learning to hold joy and exhaustion in the same hand and you’re doing great.

The info/advice in this column is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling, medical, or legal advice.

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, writer, and Cleveland area mom who helps parents enjoy this time in their lives. You can find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.