Living Well – Today's Family Advice Column
Welcome to Living Well, a column from Today’s Family magazine with local life coach Rebecca Fellenbaum. We welcome your questions about parenting, mindfulness, wellness, and everyday life. Rebecca will share tools, tips, and heartfelt advice to help you feel understood, supported, and inspired to truly enjoy this stage of life with your kids and family. If you’re wondering about it, chances are another parent is too — so don’t be shy! Let's talk about it... and start Living Well. Submit your question here for consideration for future columns.
Second-guessing everything
Dear Rebecca: Lately, I’ve been second-guessing myself. I question how to handle everything with my kids.
Between advice online and hearing what other people are doing, I’m wondering if I’m getting it wrong. How can I feel more confident about my choices when there doesn’t seem to be one right way? — Melanie, Mentor
Dear Melanie: I resonate with outside advice leaving you feeling less than (and I realize the irony of an advice column - ha!). But hopefully this reframe will help. The work is to learn to listen to YOUR inner voice.
First, I want you to take inventory. When did you start second-guessing? What triggered it? Does second-guessing appear in other areas of your life or just in parenting? I want you to get to know that inner voice or physical feeling that causes you to second-guess. If you can objectively look at the second-guessing from your healthy adult mind, you can then work with it.
Now let’s look at the moment of second-guessing. What happens right before you second-guess? What feelings or thoughts or physical sensations do you have when you think you’re “getting it wrong”? Can you choose to let those thoughts go?
Next, you can unpack what feeling more confident in your choices would be like. Imagine having confidence in your parenting choices. What are you thinking? Who are you surrounding yourself with? What does confidence feel like in your body?
These exercises involve playing with your thoughts and mindset. As author Byron Katie teaches, our thoughts create our suffering. The next step, then, is to change your thoughts.
I recommend starting by patting yourself on the back for all of the little successes you achieve throughout the day. Start telling yourself, “great job” when you finish packing lunches, help with homework, or tuck your kid in at night. If you’re looking for the ways you’re getting it wrong, you will see more of that. If you look for the ways you’re already thoughtful and confident, you will see more of that.
Finally, when I was going through this, I took a hiatus from parenting books, podcasts, and social media accounts. If it feels like that would help, I recommend tweaking your environment so you’re getting helpful, reinforcing information, at least for now.
You’ve asked this question and are here reading the answer. That’s a great parent right there!
Waking up exhausted
Dear Rebecca: I’m a mom of four young kids, and mornings are a huge struggle. One of my kids needs constant reminders to do things I think he’s old enough to handle, like getting dressed or putting his shoes on, and I can’t tend to him while also getting his younger siblings ready.
I start the day frustrated, and I don’t want to keep nagging or making threats just to get out the door. How can I set our mornings up for more ease? — Katie, Solon
Dear Katie: Mornings are hard! Especially with young kids. The reality is the current dynamic isn’t working. That awareness alone opens up lots of options to explore how to improve it.
Right now, you’re waking up already bracing for a struggle. That anticipation can put your nervous system on high alert before you’ve even gotten out of bed. Our kids co-regulate with us, meaning they often respond to our internal state more than our words. When you’re tense, rushed, or frustrated, they feel it. Shifting your energy can start to change the tone of the entire morning. That could look like: taking a minute before you get out of bed to set your intention for a calm morning, taking a deep breath before you start the morning routine, and placing your hand on your heart and telling yourself, “I’m safe” and “I’m okay.” You can even practice these with your kids.
Next, let’s look at how to set both of you up for success. You could problem-solve together. Without promising anything, ask him what he needs in the morning. Is he craving a few minutes of your undivided attention? A quieter transition into the day? When I went through something similar with my son, letting him eat breakfast by himself in a different room helped him start the day better.
It’s also worth questioning the belief that he should be able to be more independent in the morning. Kids can have the skills and still need closeness or support, especially during transitions. If it helps, you can add “for now” to your thoughts about this and tell yourself, “For now, my son needs more hands-on support in the morning.” This can help the mental spiral of thinking you’re always going to have to do everything for him.
Finally, try viewing this dynamic as the problem, not your child. Imagine linking arms with your son and facing the morning as a team. I’ll be here cheering the two of you on!
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, writer, and Cleveland area mom who helps parents enjoy this time in their lives. You can find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.
Second-guessing everything
Dear Rebecca: Lately, I’ve been second-guessing myself. I question how to handle everything with my kids.
Between advice online and hearing what other people are doing, I’m wondering if I’m getting it wrong. How can I feel more confident about my choices when there doesn’t seem to be one right way? — Melanie, Mentor
Dear Melanie: I resonate with outside advice leaving you feeling less than (and I realize the irony of an advice column - ha!). But hopefully this reframe will help. The work is to learn to listen to YOUR inner voice.
First, I want you to take inventory. When did you start second-guessing? What triggered it? Does second-guessing appear in other areas of your life or just in parenting? I want you to get to know that inner voice or physical feeling that causes you to second-guess. If you can objectively look at the second-guessing from your healthy adult mind, you can then work with it.
Now let’s look at the moment of second-guessing. What happens right before you second-guess? What feelings or thoughts or physical sensations do you have when you think you’re “getting it wrong”? Can you choose to let those thoughts go?
Next, you can unpack what feeling more confident in your choices would be like. Imagine having confidence in your parenting choices. What are you thinking? Who are you surrounding yourself with? What does confidence feel like in your body?
These exercises involve playing with your thoughts and mindset. As author Byron Katie teaches, our thoughts create our suffering. The next step, then, is to change your thoughts.
I recommend starting by patting yourself on the back for all of the little successes you achieve throughout the day. Start telling yourself, “great job” when you finish packing lunches, help with homework, or tuck your kid in at night. If you’re looking for the ways you’re getting it wrong, you will see more of that. If you look for the ways you’re already thoughtful and confident, you will see more of that.
Finally, when I was going through this, I took a hiatus from parenting books, podcasts, and social media accounts. If it feels like that would help, I recommend tweaking your environment so you’re getting helpful, reinforcing information, at least for now.
You’ve asked this question and are here reading the answer. That’s a great parent right there!
Waking up exhausted
Dear Rebecca: I’m a mom of four young kids, and mornings are a huge struggle. One of my kids needs constant reminders to do things I think he’s old enough to handle, like getting dressed or putting his shoes on, and I can’t tend to him while also getting his younger siblings ready.
I start the day frustrated, and I don’t want to keep nagging or making threats just to get out the door. How can I set our mornings up for more ease? — Katie, Solon
Dear Katie: Mornings are hard! Especially with young kids. The reality is the current dynamic isn’t working. That awareness alone opens up lots of options to explore how to improve it.
Right now, you’re waking up already bracing for a struggle. That anticipation can put your nervous system on high alert before you’ve even gotten out of bed. Our kids co-regulate with us, meaning they often respond to our internal state more than our words. When you’re tense, rushed, or frustrated, they feel it. Shifting your energy can start to change the tone of the entire morning. That could look like: taking a minute before you get out of bed to set your intention for a calm morning, taking a deep breath before you start the morning routine, and placing your hand on your heart and telling yourself, “I’m safe” and “I’m okay.” You can even practice these with your kids.
Next, let’s look at how to set both of you up for success. You could problem-solve together. Without promising anything, ask him what he needs in the morning. Is he craving a few minutes of your undivided attention? A quieter transition into the day? When I went through something similar with my son, letting him eat breakfast by himself in a different room helped him start the day better.
It’s also worth questioning the belief that he should be able to be more independent in the morning. Kids can have the skills and still need closeness or support, especially during transitions. If it helps, you can add “for now” to your thoughts about this and tell yourself, “For now, my son needs more hands-on support in the morning.” This can help the mental spiral of thinking you’re always going to have to do everything for him.
Finally, try viewing this dynamic as the problem, not your child. Imagine linking arms with your son and facing the morning as a team. I’ll be here cheering the two of you on!
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, writer, and Cleveland area mom who helps parents enjoy this time in their lives. You can find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.