Living Well – Today's Family Advice Column
This month, I’m answering two questions about school, a topic that brings up a lot of emotions for both kids and parents. If you’re frustrated over homework or wondering whether your child is getting the support they need, you’re not alone.
Homework battles
Dear Rebecca: I’m really angry at my sixth-grade son for not turning in his homework. How much hand-holding should I be doing?
— Jason, Shaker Heights
Dear Jason: The age-old homework battle—relatable and challenging.
Before we jump to solutions, I’d like you to ask yourself: How do you feel? When our kids don’t follow through on their responsibilities, it can trigger a range of emotions. You might feel frustration, embarrassment, fear about their future, or even worry that you’re failing as a parent. What’s coming up for you here?
Then, take a moment to consider what you might be making this mean about you or your child. While anger is a valid emotion—and can even be helpful—it’s often tied to a story running in our minds. It might sound like: My child is lazy, irresponsible, or headed for trouble. When we notice that story, we can begin to separate it from the facts by asking, “What’s actually true?”
Once you’ve separated the problem from your feelings and assumptions about it, you can get curious about what might be happening for your son. Homework struggles are rarely just about homework.
The truth is, you can’t create intrinsic motivation for another person—even your child. What you can do is provide structure and support while allowing natural consequences to play a role.
The goal is support without rescuing. When you’ve worked through your initial frustration, you’ll be in a better place to help your son understand what’s getting in the way—and to work together on a solution.
And don’t worry—I think you’ll do just fine with the homework I’ve given you here.
When to step in
Dear Rebecca: How do I know when to advocate for my child at school? Sometimes I feel like she needs more help than she’s getting.
— Jessica, Willoughby Hills
From there, start with open communication. Talk with your child about how school feels for them. Are they confused by the material? Embarrassed to ask questions? Feeling overwhelmed?
Next, gather information from the school. Teachers often appreciate when parents approach with curiosity rather than criticism. You might say, “I’ve noticed my daughter seems discouraged about math. What are you seeing in the classroom?”
Sometimes struggles resolve naturally as kids mature or build new skills. But if something consistently feels off, advocating for additional support, tutoring, or evaluation is not overreacting.
You know your child best. When you combine that intuition with thoughtful communication and collaboration, you become a powerful partner in your child’s education.
And perhaps one of the most valuable lessons your child learns along the way is that when something isn’t working, it’s okay to ask for support.
About Living Well: We welcome your questions about parenting, mindfulness, wellness, and everyday life. Rebecca will share tools, tips, and heartfelt advice to help you feel understood, supported, and inspired to truly enjoy this stage of life with your kids and family. If you’re wondering about it, chances are another parent is too — so don’t be shy! Let’s talk about it... and start Living Well. Submit your question here for consideration for future columns.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified somatic life coach, writer, and Cleveland-area mom who helps parents reconnect with themselves so they can enjoy their lives, kids, and families. Learn more at rebeccafellenbaum.com.
Homework battles
Dear Rebecca: I’m really angry at my sixth-grade son for not turning in his homework. How much hand-holding should I be doing?
— Jason, Shaker Heights
Dear Jason: The age-old homework battle—relatable and challenging.
Before we jump to solutions, I’d like you to ask yourself: How do you feel? When our kids don’t follow through on their responsibilities, it can trigger a range of emotions. You might feel frustration, embarrassment, fear about their future, or even worry that you’re failing as a parent. What’s coming up for you here?
Then, take a moment to consider what you might be making this mean about you or your child. While anger is a valid emotion—and can even be helpful—it’s often tied to a story running in our minds. It might sound like: My child is lazy, irresponsible, or headed for trouble. When we notice that story, we can begin to separate it from the facts by asking, “What’s actually true?”
Once you’ve separated the problem from your feelings and assumptions about it, you can get curious about what might be happening for your son. Homework struggles are rarely just about homework.
Consider a few possibilities:
- Is there a skills gap, like trouble organizing or knowing what he needs to get done?
- Does he need more help with the subject matter? Kids often avoid work when they feel behind or unsure of how to do it.
- Is he exhausted after a long day?
- Is he pushing for autonomy or attention (even negative attention is still attention)?
- Has he lost motivation?
The truth is, you can’t create intrinsic motivation for another person—even your child. What you can do is provide structure and support while allowing natural consequences to play a role.
The goal is support without rescuing. When you’ve worked through your initial frustration, you’ll be in a better place to help your son understand what’s getting in the way—and to work together on a solution.
And don’t worry—I think you’ll do just fine with the homework I’ve given you here.
When to step in
Dear Rebecca: How do I know when to advocate for my child at school? Sometimes I feel like she needs more help than she’s getting.
— Jessica, Willoughby Hills
Dear Jessica: This is where your intuition as a parent matters. You’re obviously concerned enough to ask me about it. I’d be curious to know who at school you’ve brought this up with.
In the Adult Chair® framework I teach, we often talk about the difference between reacting from fear and responding from our grounded self. If you’re feeling anxious about your child’s progress, pause and ask yourself two questions:
- What am I noticing that feels concerning?
- And what might my fear be telling me about this situation?
From there, start with open communication. Talk with your child about how school feels for them. Are they confused by the material? Embarrassed to ask questions? Feeling overwhelmed?
Next, gather information from the school. Teachers often appreciate when parents approach with curiosity rather than criticism. You might say, “I’ve noticed my daughter seems discouraged about math. What are you seeing in the classroom?”
Sometimes struggles resolve naturally as kids mature or build new skills. But if something consistently feels off, advocating for additional support, tutoring, or evaluation is not overreacting.
You know your child best. When you combine that intuition with thoughtful communication and collaboration, you become a powerful partner in your child’s education.
And perhaps one of the most valuable lessons your child learns along the way is that when something isn’t working, it’s okay to ask for support.
About Living Well: We welcome your questions about parenting, mindfulness, wellness, and everyday life. Rebecca will share tools, tips, and heartfelt advice to help you feel understood, supported, and inspired to truly enjoy this stage of life with your kids and family. If you’re wondering about it, chances are another parent is too — so don’t be shy! Let’s talk about it... and start Living Well. Submit your question here for consideration for future columns.
Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified somatic life coach, writer, and Cleveland-area mom who helps parents reconnect with themselves so they can enjoy their lives, kids, and families. Learn more at rebeccafellenbaum.com.