Finding Your Way Back

Dear Rebecca: “I don’t feel like myself. I hate to admit it, but my temper is short, my nerves are shot, and I’m craving space, time, and peace and quiet. I know I’m not showing up as the mom, wife, or friend I want to be. How do I get myself back?” — Laura, Kirtland

Hi Laura: I don’t think you’ve lost yourself. I think—and this is very common—you’ve lost touch with yourself. Let me explain.

Your short temper and craving for quiet are important pieces of information. They tell me your life has likely become very outward-focused. This is normal! As a mom, wife, and friend, you’re probably spending a lot of time caring for others and have slowly stopped checking in with yourself.

The fact that you’re noticing the desire to reconnect with yourself—and that you reached out for advice—tells me you’re already headed in the right direction.

Can you remember what it felt like to be yourself? What was important to you? How did you feel, and what was your outlook when you felt most like yourself? It may be that you were in a different head space then, or maybe your responsibilities were simply different.

When I work with clients who don’t feel like themselves, we talk about tools they can use to rediscover what they want and need. Before we change anything, though, it’s important to slow down. Reconnecting with ourselves isn’t another task to accomplish—it actually begins with doing less.

There are many ways to slow down. Whether you go for an evening walk, journal for five minutes, drink your coffee in silence, or take a few deep breaths before getting out of bed, ask yourself: How do I feel? Keep doing more of the things that help you feel like yourself.

You say you want more space, time, and peace and quiet. Is that something you can ask for or intentionally carve out? Shifting our mindset can happen in small increments. A whole day would be wonderful, but even five minutes of peace can make a real difference.

My final thought is to be gracious and compassionate with yourself. Notice when you ask for what you need. Appreciate yourself when you pause before responding to the kids. And keep your connection to the version of yourself that feels most peaceful. She’s right there, ready and waiting.

A Calmer School Year

Dear Rebecca: “My kids are heading back to school in a few weeks, and every year I promise myself things will be different. We’ll be less rushed, less stressed, and it will go smoothly. But by October, we’re right back where we started. How can I actually create a calmer school year?”— Cassidy, South Euclid

Hi Cassidy: You’re not alone in creating a fantasy version of the school year, complete with color-coded calendars and morning checklists. Every back-to-school season feels like a fresh start, and I can hear both your hope and your disappointment from years past.

A new school year doesn’t require us to put pressure on ourselves to get everything right and stick with it perfectly. The reality is that a calmer school year begins with calmer expectations.

You say you promise yourself things will be different every year. What, specifically, are you hoping will be different? Can you identify what you most want to feel calmer about? Imagine October coming and going while you’ve maintained that sense of calm. How would you feel?

One practical idea is to write down the areas of your life that cause the most stress. It’s okay if the list is long. Then choose one thing you’d like to improve—for example, last-minute homework stress. Write down what could be done differently and brainstorm solutions with your family. And don’t forget that letting go of the need to do everything perfectly is a wonderful goal.

One more thought to consider. You said you always end up right back where you started. Instead of asking, Why can’t I stick with this? ask yourself, What made it easier during those first few weeks? Pay attention to what worked at the beginning of the school year and look for ways to make those routines easier to maintain.

Finally, remember that sometimes the calm we’re chasing doesn’t actually exist. We compare our hectic Tuesday mornings to someone else’s Instagram highlight reel and decide we’re failing. Before deciding this school year isn’t going well, ask yourself: Compared to what?

I love that you’re thinking ahead and looking for ways to set your family up for success!

About Living Well: We welcome your questions about parenting, mindfulness, wellness, and everyday life. Rebecca will share tools, tips, and heartfelt advice to help you feel understood, supported, and inspired to truly enjoy this stage of life with your kids and family. If you’re wondering about it, chances are another parent is too — so don’t be shy! Let’s talk about it... and start Living Well. Submit your question here for consideration for future columns.

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, writer, and Cleveland-area mom who helps parents enjoy this season of life. Learn more at rebeccafellenbaum.com.