Talking So My Family Will Listen

Dear Rebecca: It’s not even just with the kids, but lately everything I say to my family sounds like a correction, reminder, or complaint. No one is listening, and when I hear myself talking, even I want to tune myself out! I want to have more fun with my family, but it’s hard when I feel like I’m the only one who sees what needs to get done. How can I talk so my family will listen?
~Joanna, Bainbridge

Hi Joanna: I love this question. You want to change your delivery, enjoy family life, and get some concrete help. That’s all reasonable, fair, and exactly what you deserve!

Intent is one of the winning strategies I talk about in my work as a relational coach. A request is more likely to be heard when you approach it with good intent and assume good intent from the other person. This sets you up for success.

When you see what needs to get done, center yourself first. You could say to yourself, “I want us to have more fun and feel like a team.” Then make a clear, specific request.

State what needs to get done clearly, focusing on positive intent and the task at hand. Instead of “No one ever listens to me,” try, “I’m frustrated because I’ve asked twice for the dog to be let out. Will you please take her out now?” You’ve named how you feel and kept the request specific.

I’ve been here! When I was facing resentment in my self-appointed role as family complainer, I learned to turn inward first and get to know the voices and parts within myself that were pressuring me to constantly scan for problems. I realized that some of the pressure was coming from within me. I wasn’t only speaking impatiently to my family; I was speaking impatiently to myself.

It may also help to have a conversation with your family. Explain that you don’t want your primary role in the family to be noticing, asking for help and reminding. Let them know you want to enjoy your time as a family. Together, decide how everyone can contribute to a more positive home.

If you center having fun with your family, you may find that you naturally drop the expectation that everything has to be perfectly clean and organized or done your way. As you release some expectations and give others genuine ownership, you may create more room for your family to step up.

Slowing Down Time

Dear Rebecca: Summer is practically over, my kids are headed back to school, and it all seems to be happening so fast. I keep thinking that we only get 18 summers with our kids. I want to hold on to this time. How do I slow down and really experience my life while I’m living it? 
~Sarah, Lyndhurst

Hi Sarah: You can’t freeze time, but there are some easy and wonderful ways to slow down and be fully present in it. The idea that we only have 18 summers with our children is a reminder that time together is precious. Raising our kids is a precious stage in our lives, and like all stages, it doesn’t last forever.

I’m curious where your mind goes when you think about these 18 summers. It’s natural to let our minds take over and start doing more to capture it all. We take more pictures, try to create special memories, and tell ourselves to appreciate every second. But sometimes, all that effort to capture a moment takes us out of the moment itself.

Slowing down is a practice of noticing the present moment. Every single time you do this, you’re really experiencing your life. Pause and listen when your child tells you a story from school. Notice everyone laughing in the kitchen. Look at your child’s face when they don’t know you’re watching. Whenever you pause long enough to notice, remind yourself: I am here. This is my life.

I recommend a gratitude practice to almost all of my coaching clients because it is a daily reminder to drop from our busy minds into our hearts and look at our lives through the lens of love. Writing down, or naming, three things you’re grateful for each day trains you to notice what’s happening.

You can also help make memories together as a family. At dinner, ask, “What’s one moment from today you want to remember?” This helps you recognize your life while you’re living it.

And don’t forget to welcome what comes next. Ask your children what they want to remember from this summer and what they’re looking forward to about the new school year. Slowing down doesn’t mean resisting change. It means giving yourself time to notice the transition instead of rushing past it.

We don’t slow life down by clinging to it. We slow it down by paying attention.

About Living Well: We welcome your questions about parenting, mindfulness, wellness, and everyday life. Rebecca will share tools, tips, and heartfelt advice to help you feel understood, supported, and inspired to truly enjoy this stage of life with your kids and family. If you’re wondering about it, chances are another parent is too — so don’t be shy! Let’s talk about it... and start Living Well. Submit your question here for consideration for future columns.

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, writer, and Cleveland-area mom who helps parents enjoy this season of life. Learn more at rebeccafellenbaum.com.