By Rebecca Fellenbaum

I learned I needed better boundaries while standing in my kitchen.

When my kids got home from school, they would plop down in front of the TV and ask me to get them a snack. I wanted to be nice, and this became our routine. Yet I felt increasingly annoyed that these perfectly capable kids were relaxing while I waited on them.

I felt resentful. Yet I kept saying yes even though I wanted to say no.

Then I reflected on the work I do helping clients set boundaries. I realized I had another option. Instead of silently doing things I didn’t want to do and then stewing about them, I could say something.

So I did. I told my kids they were capable of getting their own snacks. I was happy to help when they needed me, but I wasn’t going to cater to them while they relaxed.

Were they happy about it? No. Was I perfectly calm and consistent? Absolutely not. Was it better than letting resentment build until I snapped at everyone? Yes!

That experience taught me to use resentment as a barometer for my boundaries. Now, when I’m asked to do something or notice resentment creeping in, I check in with myself: Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or am I going to feel resentful?

Resentment gives us useful information. It can tell us when we’re saying yes when we want to say no, doing more than we have capacity for, hoping someone will read our mind or ignoring our own needs and preferences. It can be a sign that we need to set a boundary with ourselves or someone else.

When you notice resentment, try these four steps:

Using your voice doesn’t guarantee someone will like your boundary. Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else’s behavior. They’re about knowing where you end and someone else begins, expressing what’s true for you and taking responsibility for your side of the relationship.

Close relationships require us to let people know who we are — our feelings, needs, preferences and limits.

After years of practice, boundaries haven’t made me less generous. They’ve helped me give more genuinely. When I say yes, I mean it. When I need help, I ask. And I don’t expect the people I love to magically know what I need. I tell them.

So the next time resentment starts bubbling up, don’t just push through. Check your barometer. Get curious about what you need and use your voice to express it.

Your relationships may be better for it.

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a life and relationship coach, writer and Cleveland-area mom who helps individuals and couples feel better and enjoy their lives and relationships. Find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.