By Stacy Turner

As the last of autumn’s colors fade, the holiday season quickly takes their place — bringing traditions, family gatherings, packed calendars and, sometimes, a healthy dose of stress.

As a new parent, I often approached the holiday season with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head. I counted down the days as I plotted and planned how I could make the coming holidays memorable and fun for my munchkins, while trying to meet the needs and expectations of extended family members. As a result, I headed into the holiday season with equal parts anticipation and wonder about what I would experience with my littles, along with some doubt that we’d be able to incorporate all the long-standing expectations of holidays gone by.

Some of the new traditions we began with our kids have stuck with us, like heading out to a local farm together to select and cut down our Christmas tree. Others eventually fell away, replaced by different activities as we figured out what worked best for our growing family.

But it’s easy to get caught up in planning a picture-perfect holiday season. Every seasonal song makes it seem as though everyone but us is in on the plan. They’ll be returning home to loving families who gather to enjoy each other’s company while eating pumpkin pie or roasting chestnuts on an open fire. For many people, however, gatherings of extended family can be less than idyllic, as people with stark differences and strong opinions experience Thanksgiving throw-downs or Christmastime confrontations instead.

Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of prioritizing the traditions and needs of my growing family rather than always trying to meet the expectations of extended family. I’ve learned that the hectic holidays can be exhausting enough without succumbing to the emotional drain of others, whether they’re consciously causing it or not.

I’ve also learned that it’s healthy and necessary to create boundaries with difficult people, in spite of the holiday sentiments that seem to suggest otherwise. But exactly how can this be done?

Begin before the holiday season kicks off by discussing plans and activities with your partner. Together, come up with events and traditions that work for you and your family. Keep in mind that just because you’ve always done something doesn’t mean it automatically makes it onto this year’s list. Your time with your children is precious and fleeting, and you’re allowed to be protective of it.

Knowing this, it’s okay to limit travel and avoid taking your Christmas on the road, even if relatives you’d like to see have made the decision to stay put. It’s also okay to modify activities to reduce time spent with those who steal your joy. You may hear complaints, but you’ll get to focus more time and energy on the people and activities that fill you and your family up.

Sometimes a boundary doesn’t mean excluding someone entirely. It may simply mean shortening a visit, changing the setting or deciding ahead of time which situations are likely to create unnecessary stress. Not everyone will like the boundary, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the wrong one.

It’s okay to find new ways to celebrate — ways that better suit your growing family’s needs and wants — even if that’s not how it’s always been done. I came across a quote by author Prentis Hemphill that makes the point quite well: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

As you look forward to the coming holidays, know that you can show love for yourself and those difficult folks by setting boundaries in advance that serve everyone better. It doesn’t mean you love them less. It means you love them enough to try to make the situation work for all of you.