By Rebecca Fellenbaum

Living with people we love means bringing up issues in a way that honors both ourselves and the other person. When you’re frustrated that your spouse isn’t helping enough around the house or your teenager has shut you out, expressing what’s going on for you and asking for what you need requires skill and the ability to listen and respond.

This is a common scenario: You have something to say, but you don’t know how to communicate it well. You worry about how it will be received. So you hold it in, ask for only part of what you want or inadvertently let it out sideways.

While it takes courage, there is another way: healthy communication. It requires vulnerability, risks disagreement or disapproval and asks us to accept that we might not get what we want. Yet without it, resentment builds, and we miss opportunities to connect.

Most of us learned how to communicate by watching the adults around us. Did your family discuss disagreements or sweep them under the rug? Was there yelling and arguing, or did everyone keep their feelings to themselves?

The good news is that communication is a skill we can learn and practice. And we can model it for our kids.

Here are three steps for having a tough conversation:

Set the stage – Before starting, ask yourself: Am I trying to make things better, or am I trying to prove I’m right?

Approach the conversation with good intentions and assume the other person has good intentions, too. Then ask if they’re willing to talk and when they’re available.

Speak for yourself – Instead of saying, “You’re always on your phone! Nobody in this family pays attention to each other!” try, “I’ve been missing spending time together without our phones. Could we put them away during dinner tonight?”

Note the “I” statement and clear request. Share your experience, how you feel and what you’d like. Avoid accusations and words like “always” and “never.” Remember, you’re making a request, not a demand.

Make room for both experiences – Listen to understand, not to formulate your defense. Two people can experience the same situation differently. You don’t have to agree with someone’s perspective to acknowledge it.

Here’s the vulnerable part: You cannot control the other person’s response. You can communicate kindly and still not get what you want. That doesn’t mean the conversation failed. Fear of hearing no keeps us silent, but that’s no reason not to try.

Don’t start with your biggest issues. If something irks you, try making a request instead of complaining. Ask what someone meant instead of assuming. Then listen without interrupting.

I’ve discovered that the more I trust myself to speak honestly, the more connected I feel to the people around me. In taking the risk, something unexpected has happened: vulnerability has become a bridge to deeper connection in my relationships

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a life and relationship coach, writer and Cleveland-area mom who helps individuals and couples feel better and enjoy their lives and relationships. Find her online at www.rebeccafellenbaum.com.